A Letter to the Person Who Sexually Abused Me: I Grew Up, But I Never Forgot

Purposeful Visions — Breaking the Silence Series | Blog #2

Written by Delynn Turner, M.S., CGD, Founder of Purposeful Visions

Published: October 2026 | Last reviewed: October 2026 


There are some letters we write because we expect an answer.

There are others we write because we finally need to say the words.

This is the second kind.

For some survivors of childhood sexual abuse, growing older did not erase what happened. The child grew up. Life moved forward. Careers were built. Families were created. Birthdays came and went.

But sometimes a sound, a place, a smell, a dream, an intimate moment, or seemingly nothing at all can bring pieces of the past back.

Healing does not necessarily mean forgetting. In fact, RAINN describes healing after childhood sexual abuse not as simply “getting over it,” but as building a life that is no longer defined by what happened. RAINN

This letter is for the survivor who has something to say—even if the person who caused the harm never reads a single word.

Key Takeaways

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To you, you filthy SOB, 

I am grown now.

But sometimes, inside my head, I am still that child.

There are moments I remember.

Moments I don't want to remember.

Things I wish I could erase.

Time has moved forward, but it did not travel backward and stop you.

It didn't give me another childhood.

It didn't return my innocence.

And it didn't make what you did okay.

You were a monster to me then.

What you did was monstrous.

You were supposed to be the adult.

I was the child.

I should have been thinking about school, friends, playing, laughing, getting into harmless trouble and figuring out who I wanted to become.

Instead, you introduced me to something no child should have had to understand.

You took something from me that I can never get back.

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My innocence.

And then somehow, I became the one who had to carry the consequences of what you did.


╔══════════════════════════════════════════════╗

YOU TOOK SOMETHING FROM ME.

But you left me carrying the consequences
of something I never chose.

╚══════════════════════════════════════════════╝


You Gave Me a Secret I Never Asked to Keep

Maybe nobody knew.

Maybe somebody suspected.

Maybe people knew and looked the other way.

Maybe I tried to tell someone and wasn't believed.

Maybe I never said anything at all.

But I knew.

And you knew.

I learned how to bury it.

Smile.

Go to school.

Grow up.

Work.

Build relationships.

Become whatever everyone expected me to become.

While carrying a secret I never volunteered to keep.

That is one of the cruelest things about childhood sexual abuse.

The person who caused the harm can walk away from the moment.

The child may spend years trying to understand it.

In The Weight of Hiding Family Secrets, Delynn Turner writes about children learning that silence can become connected to survival, family loyalty, and belonging. A child can internalize the message that speaking the truth risks punishment, rejection, or abandonment. manuscripts for cutting off tox…

Sometimes that silence follows the child directly into adulthood.

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I Tried to Make It Go Away

Maybe I found temporary healing at the bottom of a bottle.

Except it wasn't healing.

It was numbing.

Maybe I put a bandage over the wound with drugs.

Maybe sex became another escape.

Maybe I chased woman after woman because being wanted felt safer than being known.

Maybe I kept relationships shallow because intimacy meant vulnerability, and vulnerability had once been used against me.

Maybe anger became easier than sadness.

Maybe I became controlling because being in control felt safer than ever being powerless again.

Maybe I hurt people who never hurt me.

And if I did, I have to take responsibility for that.

What happened to me can help explain some of the ways I learned to survive.

It does not give me permission to victimize someone else.

That distinction matters.

Research summarized by RAINN indicates that adult survivors of childhood sexual abuse can experience challenges involving shame, self-worth, trust, intimacy, and relationships, though no two survivors respond in exactly the same way. RAINN

For some survivors of sexual abuse within families, substance use and difficulties with intimacy or relationships can also occur. RAINN

But whatever I did trying to outrun my past, there was one problem:

Everywhere I ran, I was still there.

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I Thought I Had to Bury the Secret Forever

I convinced myself that surviving meant forgetting.

Don't think about it.

Don't talk about it.

Don't let anybody know.

Keep moving.

Be strong.

Become successful.

Become a man.

And maybe if I buried it deeply enough, eventually it would disappear.

It didn't.

I may never forget.

There are things counseling cannot do.

A counselor cannot build a time machine.

A therapist cannot make it so that you never touched me.

They cannot hand me back the childhood I should have had.

They cannot erase every memory from my mind.

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But maybe that isn't what counseling is supposed to do.

Trauma-informed therapy can provide survivors with a place to process what happened, work through shame and self-blame, develop ways of managing difficult memories, and rebuild a sense of control. Healing is individual and does not follow one universal timetable. RAINN

Maybe healing isn't forgetting.

Maybe healing means you no longer get to control my present simply because you damaged my past.


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I MAY NEVER FORGET.

**But forgetting and healing

are not the same thing.**

╚══════════════════════════════════════════════╝


I Can Remember and Still Heal

That's something I didn't always understand.

I thought healing meant the memory would disappear.

I thought I would wake up one morning and simply not care anymore.

Maybe I even thought forgiveness was required before I could move forward.

Now I understand something differently.

I can remember and still heal.

I can grieve the childhood I deserved.

I can acknowledge what happened.

I can stop pretending.

I can learn healthier ways to handle the moments when the past comes knocking.

I can decide who knows my story.

I can decide who doesn't.

I can seek help.

I can establish boundaries.

I can learn what healthy intimacy looks like.

I can apologize to people I hurt while I was hurting.

And I can stop carrying shame that never belonged to me.

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I Don't Have to Confront You to Heal

Maybe you'll never receive this letter.

Maybe you're dead.

Maybe you're still alive.

Maybe you're sitting at family gatherings pretending nothing happened.

Maybe everyone still thinks you're wonderful.

Maybe you would deny every word.

My healing cannot depend entirely upon your confession.

That would still give you too much power.

RAINN emphasizes that survivors control whether, when, how, and with whom they disclose. There is no single correct timeline for telling one's story. RAINN

Delynn Turner makes a similar distinction in The Weight of Hiding Family Secrets. Speaking the truth does not necessarily mean announcing it to the world. Sometimes it begins with refusing to continue hiding the truth from yourself. manuscripts for cutting off tox…

So maybe I never mail this letter.

Maybe writing it is enough for today.

Because this letter isn't really about giving you something.

It is about returning something to me.

My voice.

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You Took My Innocence. You Do Not Get the Rest of My Life.

Read that again.

You took my innocence.

You do not get the rest of my life.

You don't get every relationship.

You don't get every intimate moment.

You don't get every birthday.

You don't get every peaceful night's sleep.

You don't get every friendship.

You don't get every dream.

You don't get every person I might love.

You don't get every year I have left simply because you stole something from the years that came before.

I am not pretending what happened didn't matter.

It mattered.

It hurt me.

It changed things.

There may always be a scar.

But a scar is evidence that there was a wound.

It does not mean the wound is still allowed to bleed forever.

_____________________________________________________

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To the Child I Used to Be

There's someone else who deserves a letter.

You.

The child I was.

I'm sorry you carried this alone.

I'm sorry you thought it was your fault.

I'm sorry if nobody noticed.

I'm sorry if you told and nobody believed you.

I'm sorry if the adults who should have protected you protected somebody else instead.

I'm sorry you learned to survive before you had the chance simply to be a child.

But hear me now.

I believe you.

You didn't cause it.

You didn't invite it.

You weren't weak because you couldn't stop it.

You weren't responsible for protecting the family.

You weren't responsible for protecting an adult's reputation.

And you don't have to carry their shame anymore.

I am the adult now.

And I will not abandon you again.


╔══════════════════════════════════════════════╗

YOU TOOK MY INNOCENCE.

**YOU DO NOT GET

THE REST OF MY LIFE.**

╚══════════════════════════════════════════════╝


A Purposeful Visions Reflection: Healing Is Not Amnesia

This letter represents one possible survivor experience. It does not represent every survivor.

Some people remember clearly.

Others have fragmented memories.

Some want to talk.

Others do not.

Some pursue counseling.

Some begin through journaling, survivor groups, spiritual support, trusted relationships, or other forms of assistance.

There is no requirement that someone publicly tell their story to prove they are healing.

RAINN distinguishes private disclosure from publicly telling one's story and emphasizes that survivors should consider their own readiness and safety. RAINN

Healing is not amnesia.

The goal does not have to be forgetting.

It can be reclaiming the parts of life that trauma has occupied for far too long.

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The Connection to The Weight of Hiding Family Secrets

This letter belongs naturally beside Delynn Turner's The Weight of Hiding Family Secrets.

Delynn writes about the grief of hiding painful truths, carrying secrets, learning that loyalty requires silence, and eventually deciding that another generation should not inherit the same burden. manuscripts for cutting off tox…

She also addresses the shame that can accompany hidden abuse and the way children may blame themselves for actions committed by adults. manuscripts for cutting off tox…

That is why Breaking the Silence isn't about exposing survivors.

It is about exposing the lie that survivors should have been ashamed in the first place.

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Coming Soon: A Generation We Can't Afford to Lose

If The Weight of Hiding Family Secrets helps us confront what silence has done, A Generation We Can't Afford to Lose asks us to consider what we will do differently for the children coming behind us.

We cannot return one survivor's childhood.

But families can learn.

Parents can listen.

Communities can stop protecting reputations at the expense of children.

Adults can take disclosures seriously.

And today's children can grow up knowing:

If something happens, you can tell us.

We will listen.

We will take you seriously.

You will not have to carry the secret alone.

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Frequently Asked Questions

Is it normal for childhood sexual-abuse memories to still affect someone years later?

Some survivors continue processing childhood sexual abuse for many years, and trauma can affect areas such as emotions, trust, intimacy, relationships, and self-worth. Experiences vary significantly between survivors. RAINN

Can counseling make someone forget childhood sexual abuse?

Counseling is not designed simply to erase memories. Trauma-informed therapy may instead help a survivor process experiences, address shame or self-blame, manage distressing memories, and develop healthier ways of coping. RAINN

Do I have to confront the person who abused me?

No. Survivors control whether and how they disclose their experiences. Healing does not require a public confrontation with the person who caused the harm. RAINN

Can childhood sexual abuse contribute to alcohol, drug, or relationship problems?

Some survivors experience substance use, intimacy difficulties, relationship problems, shame, or other challenges, but these experiences are not universal and should not be assumed for every survivor. RAINN

Does trauma excuse someone for hurting other people?

No. Trauma can provide important context for understanding behavior, but survivors remain responsible for harmful actions they take toward others. Understanding the wound and taking responsibility for one's behavior can coexist.

Do I have to tell everyone what happened in order to heal?

No. Disclosure is a personal decision. It can occur privately with a therapist, trusted person, support specialist, or another safe person, and survivors determine how much they want to share. RAINN

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If This Letter Feels Familiar

You don't have to finish your healing today.

You don't have to write your entire story.

You don't have to send anybody a letter.

You don't have to forgive someone on somebody else's timetable.

You don't have to forget.

But you deserve the opportunity to discover what life can look like when the secret is no longer making every decision for you.

For confidential survivor support in the United States, RAINN's National Sexual Assault Hotline and survivor resources provide 24/7 support by phone, chat, and text. RAINN also provides specific resources for adults who experienced childhood sexual abuse. RAINN


Continue the Conversation With Purposeful Visions

Explore The Weight of Hiding Family Secrets by Delynn Turner, M.S., CGD, along with Purposeful Visions' healing resources.

Delynn is also available for speaking engagements, workshops, conferences, community programs, faith-based conversations, schools, and organizational training centered on difficult family conversations, generational patterns, grief, trauma awareness, and healing.

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